Being able to love God with all my heart, mind and soul. To actually FEEL like I love God, from the bottom of my heart.
Perhaps there are still things that I hold on tightly to….What could it be? There’s nothing great about me. No talent to be proud of. No achievements. No great personality. Nothing.
Wait but… if that is the case then it would mean that I am actually holding onto myself, in hating the fact that I am unable to be great. It is a viscous cycle, ain’t it, Kim?
You are perpetually in this endless loop of self-idolizing, desiring to be great. You wallow in your own inadequacy. You self-pity.
So what’s next? You then seek validation from people. You thought, why not to give it a shot to prove yourself competent and capable for once? That is what defines you anyway – the way people perceive you. Whether you are godly, intelligent, capable, beautiful, humorous, disciplined, motherly, kind, gentle, responsible enough – the list goes on. So I find myself trying to fit into the mould of my imagination, and only to realize in my despair that I can’t be who they [I] want me to be.
“This can’t be it…” I murmured. But the cycle continues. I am trapped.
Is there a way out?
Occasional Musings 