April 8th.
It has been a month of much fear, anxieties, worries and concerns for the both of us.
Are you holding up okay? It has been pretty overwhelming hasn’t it?
I thought that it would be apt to just pour out some of my thoughts here, to gain some clarity on them. Also, I don’t think I am the most articulate in explaining my thoughts to you, so this seem to be the viable option.
If anything, I think this relationship has taught me much, albeit in mere one month’s span, that it amplified my idolatry towards relationship more than anything else. You were right in causing me to reevaluate whether my ideals were the right ones to have and without a doubt, I know for a fact that they were centered upon my own selfish desires of wanting to feel wanted, desired and fulfilled. Probably my unmet childhood needs of wanting to be loved and cherished too. I hoped that you would fit into the mold that I created for myself, by my own terms to fulfill my wants and emotional needs, that you finally be my source of fulfilment and joy, the start to my happiness, the end to my sorrows and everything else in-between, the person who I can finally be my happily-ever-after with. I have failed to love you the way I should. I love only, clearly, only myself and care about having my emotional needs met. It’s true people say, relationships are no easy feat, and I am starting to understand viscerally, existentially, what they mean.
Yet you on the other hand, you have been so patient. Constantly lending a listening hear, trying to understand me. bearing with me. I have failed tremendously in knowing and learning how to understand you and love you. Perhaps, perhaps – I could say that I don’t know how. Or that I am tired. Or that… life is just is just so exhausting that I cannot cope with it – which is true really – that I am not on top of my game in managing everything well. But all of that does not in any way, negate the fact that still, I don’t love you the way I should. I only am concerned about my own wants and needs and how you have failed to meet them, without actually considering that I am meant to, as your partner, as I rightfully should, care for your growth and godliness more so than my wants and needs. How could I be so selfish?
This one-month old relationship has taught me, ironically less about our relationship, but myself. It saw me through enslavement of wanting to be adored, adored, cherished in all the wrong places, in place of God, against the design of relationship and what it is meant for – for the glory of God. Thank God, and thank you – for showing me this reality. Amidst this, I saw how – though imperfectly – that you were constantly trying to do what you can to sustain and lead this relationship to the right direction. To constantly point me and us back to God and our original design, the biblical theological reality of relationship and the identity in which it should find itself in, grounded upon – as the firm foundation that is unshakable.
I trust in God’s work in you that you will keep it going, that I will do the same too – Lord willing. We can love God, and love each other rightly now, vertically, and horizontally. It’s possible I know because God is faithful and we can have covenantal hope in Him, not us.
Thank you for bearing with my sinfulness and for loving me. Please, keep pushing me to love God more than anything else. And I promise to do the same as He wills. Heck, for sure there will be many more rocky roads and unexpected twist and turns down the road – but when all else fails, when hope is bleak, I hope to remind myself of the gospel, through which we have been made alive for God through Christ.
Help me to love you even when things are rough.
Love you, praying and surrendering everything to God. Happy Month-sary.
With love and in Christ,
Kimmy.
Occasional Musings 