February

February log
Time flies. It’s February.

Everything seems like a blur to me. I feel as though I am on a Shinkansen bullet train at 180 km/h. There isn’t much view to see because it moves so quickly that when I look out to savor the beauty of Japan, all I see is akin to a movie sped up x100 times.

Are movies even movies anymore when it is sped up?

Load is heavy. 3 huge overweight suitcases were with me on this ride. Is that a norm for frequent travelers? I looked around for answers, and it seemed so. Everyone seems to be carrying overweight luggage too. Illy-fit, broken zippers and torn canvases were in sight. The luggage storage area could not accommodate all the luggage that the passengers had brought. Some had to carry it by their side throughout the entire ride – mine included.

I’ve been feeling more dread than usual. Felt as if a part of me has been taken away by something but I am not quite sure what it is. And it seems to be eating away at me while I attempt the heal the wounds it left me, they come back each time harder, stronger. It makes me really drained. Maybe cause everything has been happening too quickly, one thing after another yet I haven’t found time to just be with myself and reflect.

Upset at myself. Hate bring alone, isolated. CNY is different too as mentioned. Surely have taken for granted many things. Is this the real life? If this is what really life is – then I must have been dreaming for the past 22 years.

Only desperately hoping and praying that God will continue to sustain and hold me by His word and let it be the only constant that I hold on to amidst all of these.